New.

The beginning of a new relationship always reminded me of spring. It reminded me of a new beginning. It was like a blank notebook when there wasn't any ink to darken the pages, just blank smoothness.

Dating Michael was different then dating John. John and I were that couple that everyone knew that they would automatically get there and have the kids. Our high school classmates used to laugh and say “see you at the wedding.” Michael and I were looked at the new hipster couple on campus.

“You bounce back fast”, Chelsea said one night, as I got in. She was painting her nails a dark mocha color. It was perfect for fall.

“You're the one that wanted to me to live the single life”, I said. “And also, you were the one that literally pushed me out of bed. Don't you remember that?”

“I also figured you weren't going to be with a rebound guy so quickly.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” I asked.

“Nothing, just nothing.”

“You know Chelsea, if you have something to say you better just say it!” I shouted.

“Shhh, Alexis. It's quiet hours now remember.”

“Fine.” I talked in a more calm manner. “If you have something to say to me about my life, which is mine, you better just say it. I don't say anything about your lifestyles, and I really would like it if you would respect my life.”

“I respect you Alexis.”

“Then what?”

“I'm just worried about you.”

“Why?” he asked.

“It's like you've forgotten about John,” she said. “You went to mourning him to drowning yourself into this new guy. Who I've never even met, but I can tell you that he's not good for you. Alexis, he smokes cigarettes! That's bad!”

“What he does isn't your business, Chelsea.”

“What you do is.”

“Is not.”

“Is too. Alexis, you're like my sister. I can't help but worry when something happens to you. I want to help try to prevent it.”

“What I do, and mostly importantly who I'm with doesn't concern you.”

“Fine.”

“Fine”, I snapped. I didn't speak to her for the rest of the night. That was our first fight.

“What's wrong?” Michael asked after kissing me hello. We had a breakfast date at the dining hall.

“Nothing”, I said.

“Alexis, you're lying. I can tell”, he said.

“Chelsea and I got into our fight. Our first fight.”

“You and Chelsea were friends since kindergarten and you guys just got into your first fight?”

I nodded. “We've always gotton along.”

He was quiet for a moment. “It's because of me, isn't it?” he asked softly as he grabbed my hand.

I couldn't lie to him. “Yes.”

“Makes sense.”

“She's worried about me.”

“Why?” he asked, eyes widened with curiousity.

“She's just worried that I'm jumping into this too quickly.”

“Oh.”

“I'm sorry”.

“What are you sorry about? I'm the one that should be apologizing to you, not the other way around”, he said. He kissed my cheek.

“For telling you. We've been doing so well, so happy, and no I ruined it.”

We stopped walking. “Well, I want to know about what's going on with your life. The good, and the not so good. I'm in it with you. So, I want to meet Chelsea. That way, we can get to know each other.”

I smiled ear to ear. “You would do that, for me?”

He smiled back. “Who else would I do it for?”

After classes, I went back to my room. Chelsea was there.

“Hey”, I said.

She looked at me, but didn't answer. She didn't want to be the first to surrender. I knew that streak in her. Her stubbornness was her worst quality.

“Look I get it. I know that you're worried about me. Truth be told that if the tables were turned, that I would be worried about you. But I'm happy. I need you to respect that I'm happy now. I like him a lot. I respect where you're coming from. I love you, and I was wrong for to yell at you like the way that I did. I'm sorry for this.”

“I'm glad that you understand where I'm coming from Alexis.”

“But, you don't have to worry about me Chelsea”, I said.

“I'm your best friend”, she said. “It's part of the job. Right under getting those Best Friends Forever Alex and Anis. Wait, I just spoiled your gift for your birthday.”

“Chelsea”, I said.

“Yes.”

“He wants to meet you.”

“Your new boyfriend?” she asked. She made a face, as if she was eating or drinking something that didn't exactly taste very well.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because he knows that we're extremely close. He wants you to like him.”

“I don't think that's going to happen.”

“Chelsea, why are you being so stubborn?”

“I want to like him.”

“Then what is it?”

“I just don't know about him.”

“This is your chance to get to know him”, I said.

“Fine.”

I leaped for joy. “Yay, thanks girl!” I grabbed my purse.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To see Michael.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course.”

“What?” I asked, shrugging.

“Nothing,” she said.

He was waiting outside my dorm building, sitting on a bench. It was like a halo of light shining for him.

“Hey”, his deep voice said, putting out his cigarettes.

I didn't answer. Instead I kissed him.

“I could get used to this.”

“So could I.”

We spent the afternoon kissing. I didn't care who saw. We just created a perfect moment that one day we might either tell our kids the story of how their parents were college sweethearts, or regret of something that we could have lost. Either one seemed like a logical explanation.

But, right now I didn't care about logic. I just cared about how his lips tasted next to mine. I was beginning to get addicted to the taste. Logic seemed like miles and miles of light years away from today.  

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.

 They say breaking up is hard to do. I never really believed that saying, because I was young and I never had the pleasure of that experience before. When I met John, and it was clear that he loved me just as much as I loved him, I thought that I was wearing protective padding from this feeling, the feeling of rock bottom. We were supposed to be together forever. But, one stupid action and my life was changed for the worst forever. Now, I was curled up in bed with a pint of Ben Jerry's in my hand, crying my eyes out. I was the cliché version of every chick going through a breakup. I would be mortified, but I was too upset to care. I wore nothing but sweatpants, and when I could eat, I would eat stuff that tasted good, but it seemed to settle on my stomach. I must have gained 5 pounds since that Friday two weeks ago.

Michael had left tons of messages. I didn't want to look at him, I didn't want him to look at me. I didn't want him to see me falling apart. I didn't want him to see this ghost of this girl whose in mourning of something that was. The only person that I would see was Chelsea, in addition to my classmates. I haven't gone home in weeks. My parents understood, but were concerned.

It was two weeks since that faithful day. I had went to bed at four p.m, because my homework was done, and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball for the rest of my life.

I heard a knock on the door. Thinking that it was Chelsea, forgetting her key again, I slowly got up. The knocking didn't subside. I wanted to kill her. She always forgets her key.

“Coming!” I shouted, mumbling a bunch of dumb blonde insults under my breath.

Only, when I got to the door, it wasn't Chelsea. It was Michael. I should have known by the strong scent of tobacco on his skin.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. I wasn't angry about him being there, I actually wanted to see him. I was angry at myself because I looked like a fright. I didn't want to look like a fright in front of him.

“I thought you died or something. No calls, no text messages. You haven't been hanging out with us. Alexis, I'm worried about you.”

I looked at his face. He did in fact look worried.

“And why is that?” I wanted to push him away. I knew deep down that he didn't ruin what John and I had. I did that. However, it didn't stop me from trying to escape the blame from myself.

“You know why, Alexis”.

“Because you have feelings for me?”

He nodded solemnly.

“John and I broke up a few weeks ago”.

“I figured.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sorry.”

I looked at him, trying to unveil his true relief not sorrow of the situation.

“No really I am”.

“And why are you sorry?”

“Because it hurts you.” He inched closer to me. I didn't move.

“You wanna know something that puzzles me?”

“Yes....?” he asked, confused.

“You talked for ages about how you feel about me. But, you never ever asked me how I felt about you.”

“Really?” he said. “So now, please tell me. How do you feel about me?”

“I like you too”, I said. Then, I kissed him. My hair wasn't brushed, and I wasn't wearing any makeup. I didn't care. I liked him, I wanted to be with him. I'm pretty sure that he wanted to be with me also.

He pulled away. “Alexis?”

“Yes”, I asked softly. I was still close enough to touch his lips still.

“I'm not your rebound guy, am I?”

I thought for a second. “I can show you a hell of a lot better than I could possibly tell you.” I then leaned forward and kissed him.

That was the day that we made it official.

Break.

 “John?” I called after him. I had never seen him quite so hurt. I never seen his eyes begin to fill with the liquid of tears. I began to run after him.

“Just friends?” he snarled.

“He kissed me! I didn't kiss him!” I said.

“You didn't stop it”, he said.

I didn't answer him. Deep down, I knew that he was right. I knew that what we had was broken, and it was all my fault. Now, I had to pay for my action. My actions destroyed a soul, a relationship, a way of life. My life with John, was ending.

“You're not saying anything because you know I'm right and you're wrong, right? You know what you did was wrong! Yet you chose to do this anyway. Alexis, you really hurt me! I can't even look at you!”

“John, I'm sorry”, I said between sobs.

He looked at me and didn't say anything. For the first time in our relationship, we were suddenly two separate souls instead of a together one. This was like the one thread that was pulled, and now that it was pulled, it was falling apart. It was like everything that was meant something would be gone forever.

I blew it. I knew I did. I was the home-wrecking husband, and he was the housewife that stayed at home tending to the house.

“You know Alexis, I thought you loved me”, he said.

“I do love you!” I pleaded.

“Then why was your lips on top of his? You looked like you were enjoying it, too. You didn't stop him. Ever since you've started college, you've changed. It's like you've turned into this new girl with a new life, and you've forgotten about me.”

“Why haven't you said something?” I asked.

“Because you deserve to grow. I always thought we would grow together. But, we're growing apart.”

“I love you”, was all that I could manage to say.

“I know you did.”

“Did?” I hissed.

“I don't think you love me anymore.”

“I think that's the stupidest think that I ever heard.”

“But that's how I feel. Are you saying that my feelings are stupid?”

“No. I just meant that it's farther then the truth”, I said.

“But, Alexis, it's true. At least look at things from where I'm standing. You hardly call me anymore. You promised me that you're going to be home every weekend, yet you only went home once. You text me, and even then it's like it was forced. It's like you want out, yet you want me to stick around.”

I didn't say anything. He was right, and I knew it.

“So..what do you want to do?” I asked. I braced myself for his answer.

“Well, I don't want to be in a relationship with a girl who doesn't love me or want to be with me. Or has time for me.”

“So, are you saying that we should break up?” I said. I already knew the answer. It's like when the teacher gives you back a test that you know that you've flunked. You knew it was coming, yet you hoped for the best.

He nodded. “Don't you? Alexis, we're different people then we were when we started dating.”

I nodded. “Yes. You don't have your long hair anymore.”

He laughed. “Well there's that. But, it's more then that. We're not connected anymore. It's like you and I are on totally different wavelengths of the spectrum. We've grown. I don't want to stand in your way. I want you to live and to be happy.”

“And you don't think I'm going to be happy with you?” I asked.

“I know I would be holding you back. And I love you way too much to see that happen”, he said.

I said nothing.

“I will always love you, Alexis”, he said. He kissed me on the cheek.

“I will always love you too”, I whispered.

“I guess I better go. I have a long drive ahead of me.”

“I guess you should”, I said, trying to mask my pain.

“So this is it”, John said.

“Yup.” I didn't know what to say. I never thought this day would come, although sometimes that we've come close. Now that it has, I wasn't sure of what my feelings were or would be. All I knew that nothing in my life would ever be the same again.

“Is it cheesy and cliché to ask you if you want to be friends?”

“Not really. However I don't think it's a good idea that we're friends. At least for now”, he said. Then he drove off, the last string of my old life falling apart. I wanted to run after him, but I realized that if it was truly worth having, then I wouldn't have to chase after it. Instead, I just stood on the grass on a cold fall day and cried. It felt like there was a hole in my chest, and a giant pit of dispair growing in the bottom of my stomach. Little did I know that wouldn't go away.  

Friends. Just Friends?

Chelsea says that every girl has to have a gay best friend. Someone to be bluntly honest with you whenever you need a straight opinion. She recently acquired one that she met in one of her classes. His name was Ricky. He wore tight skinny jeans, and bright colored sweaters. He listened to Nicki Minaj at top volume, snapping his fingers to the beat. He was going to try out for the school's dance team, and I was pretty sure that he was going to make it. He and Chelsea always were spending the mornings in the dining hall discussing clothes, shoes, and men.

John says that it's alright to have a straight guy friend. A kid that you call bro, and your relationship is strictly platonic. My friend was Michael. I've decided that he was too cool not to talk to, so I started to text him again, keeping it fairly innocent. However, the whole fact that I had a boyfriend never came up in our conversations. I knew that he wanted more then the innocent side of life, more than just friends. Whenever he sent me a winky face, a dagger stabbed me in my side, a reminder that I did have to break his heart eventually.

“Hey Chelsea?” I asked, as she came in late at night from a sorority function. I couldn't sleep, because I was wrapped in the arms of guilt.

“Hey! Why are you up so late? I expected you to be in bed right now”, she said, throwing her keys onto the desk.

“Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure,” she said. “Is everything okay? Is it John?”

I'm pretty sure that she secretly thought that John and I were no more.

“Yes, yes everything's fine.”

“Then what is it?”
“It's this kid. Michael is his name. I met him when I hung out with those art people a few weeks back and we clicked.”

“So you like him, like him”.

“That's not the problem”, I said dismissively. “The problem is that I want to be just friends, and he wants to be more then just friends.”

“I see. Well tell him how you feel. Unless you've subconsciously want to be more then just friends.”

I raised my eyebrow. “I just want to be friends.”

“You sure?”

“Of course I'm sure, what do you mean if I'm not sure?”

“Well, you seem like you like him.”

“Chelsea, I have a boyfriend.”

“That doesn't mean that you can't look.”

“Whatever”.

“Hey you asked for my advice, and honest opinion. That's what you get”, she said.

“Fair point. Good night!”

“Night,” she said.

The next day, John was going to come up to see me and we were going to spend the night together. The last time that we had done this was prom weekend, when we decided to spend the entire weekend together. To our parents and our peers surprise, we had not had sex. It seemed that after two years of being together, we should have lost our innocence a long time ago. But in reality, it was something that we wanted to do when we felt like it was the time and place to do so. We were too young to deal with those kinds of problems and those kinds of things, in reality.

“Hey”, a deep masculine voice purred.

I turned around. There was Michael, with his black Fedora wearing skinny jeans.

I couldn't help but smile. “Hey yourself”, I said. “What's up?”

“Just got outta class, and you?”

“Same here”, I said.

“Wanna grab something to eat?”

“Sure”, I said, then I stopped myself. “Wait, I can't”.

“Why's that?”

“My boyfriend's coming in from home.”

He look dissappointed. “You have a boyfriend?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said. Instantly, I regretted telling him. I looked at my watch and realized that I did in fact have a few minutes to kill until John was expected to arrive. “Wait, maybe we can hang out until he gets here?”

He smiled. “Good, good”, he said.

We walked together to the dining hall. My iPhone buzzed.

John: Stuck in traffic. Plan to be there soon. Stupid rush hour.

Me: Okay!

I put my phone in my pocket.

Michael looked at my narrow face. “What's wrong?”

“My boyfriend's stuck in traffic”, I said.

He pretended to mask his excitement, but failing completely. “I'm sorry.”

I shrugged, surprised that I wasn't as mad as I should be. Or sad even. I just wanted to go to the dining hall with Michael.

We grabbed ice cream cones with sprinkles and sat at the bar. We were the only two in the room, or at least it felt like it.

“So, Alexis”, he began.

“Yes?” I asked innocently.

“I think you like me.”

“Of course I do”, I said, licking my vanilla cone. “I mean I wouldn't be hanging out with you if I didn't.”

“No Alexis I don't think that you're getting the point.”

“What do you mean?”

“I like you. Like I have a crush on you. You're cute and funny, and you write amazing poetry. I wanted to ask you out today, because it feels like we have a vibe going on. But you have a boyfriend. However, you act like you're single.”

“How do I act like I'm single?” I asked with an extreme desire to kick him in the balls.

“You didn't mention your boyfriend until five minutes ago. You flirt with me”, he said.

I didn't answer because I knew he was right.

“Need I go on?” he asked me.

I froze. Ions of time seemed to pass before I could say something. Or even find something to say for that matter.

“Michael”, I finally said. “I do have a crush on you too. Like I think you are cute and adorable and I find myself wondering what it would be like to be lying next to you. But John and I have a history. We have a past. His hand held mine when I needed it most. It's grown comforting. I love him.”

“Are you in love with him?” he asked.

I didn't answer.

“I figured.”

My phone buzzed. John was almost here. “I better go”, I said. “My boyfriend is here.”

“Not so fast”, he said. “I'm walking you to your dorm.”

I didn't argue.

We chatted like nothing happened, like that conversation just vanished into thin air.

Finally we reached my dorm. I didn't want to leave him, for whatever reason humanly possible. If I didn't know any better, I would say that I liked him as more then a friend. But, I knew that people would be getting hurt if I admitted to that weird instinct.

“You know what I would do if you didn't have a boyfriend?” Michael asked.

“What?” I asked.

All of a sudden, it seemed like time stopped as our lips met. It felt like the closest thing to magic. I didn't want it to stop.

“Well now you can do it all you want-she's not my girlfriend anymore!” a voice said. I looked up. It was John.